My "stepdaughter" hates me

To my "step-daughter", this one is for you....

So its been about 8 months since I last saw and spoke to you. 
It wasn't long after that, when you cut me out of your life completely.
You made me out to be the villain, the evil-stepmonster.
You lied so many times.
You hurt me many more times.
I came accross your blog today, and it made me realise that you really do hate me.

I see you nick-named me "Stacey" and lied about what went down when your boyfriend was "kicked out".
I never once told you that he must move out.
Why would you lie about that?
Were you too scared to tell him (and everyone else) that you made the decision to "kick" him out?
I remember the evening very clearly, he was still working at Jockey and it was around 6.30pm and your dad was about to go pick him up from work.  I saw you come out of your room with a bag and I asked you what was up.  You told me that you decided that he must move out for a month because "he needed to get his shit together". 
I remember being very supportive and telling you that if you felt that was the right thing to do then good for you.  Because then you would know where you stand.

Your dad told me later that night that it was hard to hear you tell your boyfriend 3 times that you loved him without him reciprocating.
We both agreed that it was probably the right decision for you to have made and hopefully you would either meet someone amazing or that it would force your boyfriend into growing up and being responsible.

We were worried about you and knew that you were hurting (break-ups and heartache are the worst).
The next morning before getting ready for work I remember asking you in the kitchen if you were okay and I gave you a hug and we both shed some tears.  No-one else was around to witness this, just you and me, and yet you still lied and made out that I was this evil person.
I sent you a WhatsApp message the same day telling you that I loved you and that I was there if you needed to talk.
Again I ask, if I was this evil step-monster why would I even bother if I didn't care?

A month or so later, you were still seeing each other but your attitude was terrible.
You were disrespectful to your dad and I constantly.
You disregarded our rules at home.
Your drug addiction was getting out of hand and we literally begged you to stop smoking weed.
You asked if your boyfriend could spend the night and we said that we would prefer it if he didn't.
This was after the debacle with your rat cage being sold by his grandfather and you punching the wall out of rage.  Don't you remember crying on my shoulder about it?  I got your dad to check your swollen hand out and see if you broke anything.
We said "no" because we didn't think he was treating you the way you should be treated.
You see, we saw your potential and had already set high standards for you, but you had yet to understand that.

On your blog you mention that I "treated you like poop" and that your dad didn't notice how badly I treated you. 
I admit that I was hard on you (isn't that what parents/guardians are supposed to do?).
I wanted you to have high standards and good values/morals.
I was pushing you to getting your matric, getting your drivers licence, setting standards and boundaries for all your relationships and friendships.
Encouraging you when you doubted your self-worth and insecurities.
I will never forget that comment you made about the students trying to get their matric, that they were 'degenerates'.  I remember grousing at you about that comment and telling you not to judge them because you didn't know their back stories, and that you yourself were trying to get your matric.  Then you referred to yourself as a 'degenerate' as well and I got angry with you.

I had endless discussions with you about trying to find friends and finding new interestes and hobbies that would enhance your life.
We tried to talk to you about religion and politics.
I congratulated and encouraged you on your weightloss and fitness routine.
I encouraged you to write that letter to your mom so that you could try to heal from all the hurt.  It was a start.  It was part of your journey.  When your dad, you and I stood around that fire, watching that letter burn, we all shed tears and we were excited for you, as you finally seemed to have some confidence in yourself.  I had nothing but love for you at that moment.
Perhaps you didn't understand why I was being hard on you.
Perhaps you thought that a good parent/guardian is your "friend" and they let you do whatever you want, no rules, no boundaries, who knows?
What you need to know is that when someone you care about is being irresponsible, and you're an adult in the home, its your responsibility to call them on their bullshit so that they can learn and grow.
If you think that this means that I "hated" you, surely you are mistaken.
It is in fact the opposite.
It proves just how much I care about you.
Even when you ignored me when I greeted you, and all the other times when you disrespected me, I never once lashed out at you.  It took a lot of patience to not scream and shout at you during those times.  It tested my ability to control myself.  And by no means am I perfect, I am human and I also have issues from my past that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I used to say to you often that if you needed to discuss something with me, then do it.  You could have spoken to your dad if you ever thought that I was being unfair or bitchy.  After living in our home for almost a year, you would have realised that I am nothing like your mother.  I would never have laid a finger on you.  I would never have kicked you out because you 'pissed me off'.

When you were asked to move out, a lot had happened and things were not going well at home (financially) as you are well aware.  The message came from my phone but it was your dad and I that decided together and we typed it together. 

I asked you on 12 February if I could raise your rent to R3,000 per month (incl food, water and electricity) because we were battling to get through each month and the meagre R1500 was not covering the groceries you consumed, never mind the 30 minute showers you were having on a daily basis.
You never even bothered to respond to me or even discuss it with me.
You were filled with hate for me even then.....but now I think you understand how expensive everything is and how hard it is to budget and make it through the month in this country.
At the end of February you paid your R3,000 rent and still hadn't said a word about it to me.When you failed to pay your rent at the end of March 2018, you were told to move out immediately, because I couldn't afford to go through another month of feeding a person in the household who was not contributing in any way, shape or form.
You had already planned to move out that weekend anwyay, because you had already paid rent up front for where you would be staying for the month of April.  I still have the text messages so you can't deny that.  So why make a BIG scene about being "kicked out"  a week after you turned 21 if you had planned to move out anyway?
You and I know the truth and it isn't fair to say that I treated you badly, when you never admit and acknowledge the rules you disregarded in our home.  The same reasons why you were called out for unacceptable behaviour.
You were looking for your own place for months, you just didn't realise that we knew.
It's not fair to criticize the fact that we asked you to move out, when you never acknowledge the reasons why (there were multiple reasons which you are well aware of).

We were sitting with a HUGE water & electricity bill, thanks to the geyser being tampered with.
To this day, we still have no idea why you guys set the temperature onto MAX.
Our electrician set it at 55'C so that we could save some money.  Why change the setting to 75'C?  Did you realise that this would mean that the water & electricity bill would be R11,000 the next month?  When you have 30 minute showers and the geyser is set on a high temperature, the costs go up!  So instead of paying R3,500 every month, we now had to pay more money (which we didn't have, even after working 2 jobs each!).
We noticed the trap door open that day on 13 January when they were at the house and you were stoned out of your gord!
Did you not think that we would know?
What was the purpose of all of this anyway?

The day you moved out, you left your cat and hedgehog behind.  You didn't even leave any food behind for them.  You didnt ask anyone to feed your animals and look after them.  Your cat was severely sick and was dying.  You knew this.  She was supposed to go back to the vet and get more medication.  You didnt even message anyone to find out how she was doing.  We couldn't afford a trip to the vet as you are well aware because we were paying off the water & electricity bill.
When you arranged for your cousin to collect your hedgehog, we sent your cat with him.  She died a few days later from what I understand. 

I sent you a message at the end of April 2018, asking if you would be able to pay your rent that was still outstanding and your response was to block me on WhatsApp and unfriend me on Facebook and Instagram.

In the first week of June 2018, I sent you an email to try one last time to make amends and you never bothered to respond.
It's never easy to go cap in hand and try to make things right with someone, when you know how much they hate you.  I don't know what else to do.  I can't speak to you in person because you will never agree to meet up with me.  I can't phone you or text you because you have blocked my number.  I have e-mailed you as a last resort and even that is just ignored.

I might be 42 years old, but it still hurts when you are rejected.
I think it is very unfortunate because I do miss you.  I miss our laughs and conversations.  It was so much fun to have a girl in the house, especially when we had such similar experiences in life. 
I have read our WhatsApp conversations over the months, and it made me smile fondly.
Whether you will admit it or not, there was a blossoming friendship there that turned into a loving mother/daughter type of relationship......with both of us lacking experience, it is a pity that it didn't last.
Most of all, I hate that this has caused both of us so much pain and bitterness and it has forced your dad to be in the middle.
I hate myself for getting angry with him when he takes your side and has forgotten the hurt you caused me.  I suppose that is normal and will happen when you have a parent/child relationship.  You just love them unconditionally regardless of what they have said or done.
I feel like I have been robbed of this experience, and I acknowledge that I am not blameless.
I really cannot do anything else.
I will just have to accept that we will never be able to work this through.
It's a shitty feeling to have, knowing that someone dispises you.

In conclusion, regardless of how I am feeling......I do hope that you are happy.
I pray that you find what you are looking for.
I hope and pray that you are able to recover your relationship with your mother at some stage.  I know this has caused you so much pain in life (I get it, remember).
I hope that your mother comes to terms with all of her demons so that she can really love you like a mother should.
Remember to work through all your past heartaches so that they don't shadow your future.
Remember to push yourself and constantly raise your standards so that you achieve success every time.
Remember to love with all your heart.
Remember to forgive, for this shows character.
and most of all, remember to take care of yourself xx

New friends

So I’ve made a new friend recently and I did the brave thing by asking him to join me for drinks with my friends (Eeek!).

When I say that we are “new” friends…….I have known him for years through a mutual friend, but only in the last couple of months have I been getting to know him a little bit better.
We’ve texted numerous times…….and I made the conscious decision to keep that mind set of “whatever happens, happens”.

It is important for me to make new friends – and if they are male that is even better.

Well he came out and joined me for drinks (*Fist punches the air*)

It is the first time I have seen him in person for well over a year.
By the end of the night I just wanted to kiss him, which tells me that I am definitely interested in him and there was chemistry there.
When I got home, we texted for another 2 hours.
Some say the strongest relationships start out as friendships first.
I have also heard that two people with broken hearts can slowly heal and build a strong foundation together.
So although we both have some healing to do, I now look toward the brighter future with a supportive man in my life.

Day by day, step by step.

I must admit that I am a little scared to allow myself to be completely vulnerable.
BUT I also know that if you don’t take the leap of faith, you might risk losing out on something special.
And if it isn’t meant to be a long term thing, then I will mourn its passing, and move on with my life.

It’s never easy to think about starting over, it takes courage and strength, but let’s face it, I am a strong and brave woman after all.

The waiting game

So here I sit, waiting for good news on the sale of my house.

We received our first offer in a few days ago and we sit with baited breath, waiting to hear if the prospective buyers finances are approved.
I have such a good feeling about these people – from the moment they parked in the driveway and we chatted animatedly about the hot Durban summer to the chit chatting afterwards about their ideas for the property.
I sincerely hope that they are the ones who get to see their child raised in my house.
I am going to miss this beautiful house though.
But I mustn’t dwell on this…..I need to remain focused.
My new home is a teeny tiny house which dwarfs in comparison, but it will be mine!
My own personal happy place.
I cannot wait to move in and start living my new life as a strong, independent woman.
The foreign thought of doing “whatever the hell I like” makes me grin like a Cheshire cat.

Stella got her groove back

It’s been ages since I have blogged, and again, this means that a lot has been going on in the circus that is my life.

Waiting for so many pieces of the puzzle to fall into place…………the waiting game is a killer though.
I am waiting for my house to be sold (oh how I will miss this beautiful home).
I am waiting for my court date to finalise my divorce.
I am waiting for my new life to begin……….although in retrospect it has already begun…..it’s just a little stunted as I am still stuck in the same house with my soon to be ex husband.
Once the house is sold, I will be able to move out into my new home.
I realised a few days ago, whilst reflecting as I often do, that I had lost the JOY in my life.
Sometimes we need to step back, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start being thankful for all the miracles and blessings that fill our lives each day.
Yesterday I woke up with an elated JOY in my heart.
I cannot explain how grateful I am to have this JOY back again.
I almost feel like a healed, whole person again.
I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family members who truly care about me enough to keep me in their prayers and positive thoughts.
Once again I am overwhelmed by their support.
So no more whining from me…………I have so much to be thankful for.
Be blessed and have a fantastic JOYOUS day xx

Cutting through the BS

It’s been a while since I last blogged.
So much has happened in such a short space of time.
I feel broken but also liberated at the same time, it is such an unusual feeling and state of mind that I cannot really describe it to anyone unless you have been in this space yourself.
I went along to court and filed my divorce papers.
I think it was one of the saddest days of my life thus far.

Strange how your life can literally change upside down within a short space of time.
One thing I can say is that I am one strong lady.
This year has been absolute hell for me.
Betrayal from friends who I once loved as sisters, I said good bye to a friendship I didn’t want to end, I was blown away by the news of an unknown child, 2 affairs in less than 10 months.

I realised my worth and took a stand to cut through the BS.
Sometimes I just want to crawl up in a ball and sob my heart out.
I want to cry for the hurt my soul has had to endure and is still healing from.
The life I had wanted so badly over 10 years ago….never thinking that it would end like this.

I am proud of the woman I have become, I fought hard to get where I am today, I have finally learnt that I need to put myself first.
The road ahead is still going to have lots of twists and turns but in a year’s time, I know that I will be able to look back and smile, and be grateful for all that I went through because I will be in a much happier and more stable place.
At the moment I am just taking it day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
I constantly fight the loneliness and despair.
Sometimes when I cry myself to sleep, I just wish I had someone lying with me, holding me while I weep.
I cannot wait to have someone I desire and love in my life again, but this time, I swear to have my eyes completely open so that I see the person in totality.
I need them to see me and to accept me as I am.
Never again will I be the mental and emotional punching bag.

Overwhelmed

The last few days have been quite emotional for me.
I fight back the tears and try to shut off my emotions – I know that this is not good for me, but it is the only way I can cope right now.
I don’t want to answer a million questions just yet.
Today I am really hurting.
It is a tough pill to swallow - did he ever really love me?
I feel like a failure right now
I know it’s not good to think this way, but I can’t help myself from falling into this headspace.
He was supposed to be my forever.
We had such big plans when we said our vows.
How things change over the years.
How hard I tried.
How much I sacrificed, forgave and forgot.
I don’t know how I am supposed to break the news to my parents, friends and my colleagues.
It will be such a shock to most of them.
I don’t want to answer the questions.
How do I politely say that it’s none of your business?
I don’t feel like discussing the betrayals, the heartache, the pain……will they understand and respect that?
I dread the awkward conversations.
The whispers across the office.
The pitiful stares.

So much needs to be done, the weight of it all on my shoulders.
I cannot depend on him to get any of the divorce paperwork done.
I cannot depend on him to organise and finalise the sale of our property.
The packing and the sorting of shared items.
I have to find a place to live where I can take my dogs with me.

I have to be supportive and compassionate while he deals with the destruction of his life around him.
I have done it so many times before.
Does he even realise how this is killing me inside?
I feel like a monster for standing up for myself.
Does he honestly think that I was happy to be his doormat?
Does he know how my soul was crushed and stifled, day by day?
Does he know how much courage it has taken to take my life back?
Does anyone?
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?
There was a 6 year gap between him and the previous love of my life.
6 very lonely years.
How I remember crying out to God and asking him to send me a life partner.

I am not perfect, I am flawed like everyone else.
BUT I know that I definitely gave it my all, and I tried and failed, and tried a few more times over the past 12 years.
I am a strong person, I know that I will be fine at the end of this, but today, I am just overwhelmed.

I have moved all my personal belongings into the spare room and have made some decisions about the home.  Splitting up the furniture and appliances. 
Dealing with his tantrums on a daily basis because he doesn't want me to leave, but he wants to have a relationship with her at the same time (yes, that seems fair doesn't it).
He won't move out so I am stuck in the house with him.
I try to be polite and friendly so that there isn't too much fighting.  I don't have any fight left in me.
I cannot work all day, be supportive for him because his life is being turned upside down, cook, clean and take care of everyone in the household except myself. 

I am constantly told how worthless I am and that I am selfish for leaving him.
Then I am told how wonderful I am and that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage.
These options change on a daily basis.
If he can't make up his mind about what he wants, how can he expect me to stay?

My mind is made up.
I am overwhelmed but I will get through this somehow.

Living with a Narc

As my world has come crashing down around me again, I have taken the time to reflect on my spouse and the fact that he is a Narc.
Narcissists are really just people who were broken as children, and never grew up.
They are selfish and literally spoiled brats ,who will throw themselves into rage-filled tantrums if they can’t get their own way.
They hurt with their words and sometimes even their actions.
They do not intend to hurt you, it’s just that they don’t care….they don’t see your pain or have empathy for your feelings in general.
The problem with a Narc is that they cannot learn to change.
If you think that you can change a Narc, you are setting yourself up for failure!
They are emotionally handicapped and you cannot save them!
By coming to the conclusion that I cannot “cure” or  “save” my spouse who is a Narc, I am releasing myself from the “guilt” of walking away.
I know that a lot of people will preach about how you should stay and work through the problems in your marriage.  Giving up is not an option.
Well let me tell you, I have been working on the same vicious-circle for the past 9 years, when I first started to see the cracks beneath the surface.
If I am brutally honest I actually first saw the cracks about 11 years ago but, blinded by what I thought was love, I chose to  stay and fix things.
So every day I have to remind myself that I deserve better and that I should not feel guilty about leaving.
By understanding the reasons why my Narc spouse does the hurtful things he does, it allows me to forgive him, little by little each new day.
You cannot blame a wild animal for attacking you if that is their nature, in the same way you cannot fault a deaf person for not being able to hear your voice. 
A Narc is no different.
Some really are evil monsters, some are just as clueless about their ruthlessness as you were when you first fell in love with them.
They do not think to themselves, hhmmm let’s see how we can hurt this person.
In fact they do not think of you at all.
They only think about themselves. About what they want, what they need.
They have a sense of entitlement and normally only see you as a wife/mother/housekeeper/lover – you fall into the specific category which is required at the time.
If you don’t fall perfectly into those categories, then you are normally discarded.
The life with a Narc can be absolute hell, simply because as emotional beings, we constantly feel the need to fix and save people.

Honestly, we have had moments in our marriage where it was almost perfect, but it never lasts.
At some point, the Narc will hurt you mentally, and sometimes physically.
We go back and forth between they love me, they hate me, they’re terrible people, they are wonderful…..until we feel like we have lost our minds.
We become emotionally unstable because we are so mentally exhausted.
We eventually become numb.
It is at this stage where you have two choices, you can hold onto the marriage and accept the fact that they will never change.
Or
you can make the hardest choice of your life and you can leave.
By leaving you are not a failure!
You are putting yourself first which takes a GIANT dose of courage…..especially if you have always been told that you are worthless.

A friend mentioned to me recently, “if you had to write a list of the people who you love, how far down the list would your name appear?”
I was stunned!
I would honestly never even consider putting my name on that list!
There is something severely wrong with that statement.
I am learning that I cannot expect people to treat me with dignity, respect and loyalty if I don’t treat myself in the same manner.
We teach the world how we wish to be perceived.

This has been an earth shattering, awakening for me.
If you are reading this right now, I hope that you take a few moments to really let these words sink in.
You matter!
You are beautiful!
You are loved!
You are cherished!
Be kind to your soul.
x