Overwhelmed

The last few days have been quite emotional for me.
I fight back the tears and try to shut off my emotions – I know that this is not good for me, but it is the only way I can cope right now.
I don’t want to answer a million questions just yet.
Today I am really hurting.
It is a tough pill to swallow - did he ever really love me?
I feel like a failure right now
I know it’s not good to think this way, but I can’t help myself from falling into this headspace.
He was supposed to be my forever.
We had such big plans when we said our vows.
How things change over the years.
How hard I tried.
How much I sacrificed, forgave and forgot.
I don’t know how I am supposed to break the news to my parents, friends and my colleagues.
It will be such a shock to most of them.
I don’t want to answer the questions.
How do I politely say that it’s none of your business?
I don’t feel like discussing the betrayals, the heartache, the pain……will they understand and respect that?
I dread the awkward conversations.
The whispers across the office.
The pitiful stares.

So much needs to be done, the weight of it all on my shoulders.
I cannot depend on him to get any of the divorce paperwork done.
I cannot depend on him to organise and finalise the sale of our property.
The packing and the sorting of shared items.
I have to find a place to live where I can take my dogs with me.

I have to be supportive and compassionate while he deals with the destruction of his life around him.
I have done it so many times before.
Does he even realise how this is killing me inside?
I feel like a monster for standing up for myself.
Does he honestly think that I was happy to be his doormat?
Does he know how my soul was crushed and stifled, day by day?
Does he know how much courage it has taken to take my life back?
Does anyone?
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?
There was a 6 year gap between him and the previous love of my life.
6 very lonely years.
How I remember crying out to God and asking him to send me a life partner.

I am not perfect, I am flawed like everyone else.
BUT I know that I definitely gave it my all, and I tried and failed, and tried a few more times over the past 12 years.
I am a strong person, I know that I will be fine at the end of this, but today, I am just overwhelmed.

I have moved all my personal belongings into the spare room and have made some decisions about the home.  Splitting up the furniture and appliances. 
Dealing with his tantrums on a daily basis because he doesn't want me to leave, but he wants to have a relationship with her at the same time (yes, that seems fair doesn't it).
He won't move out so I am stuck in the house with him.
I try to be polite and friendly so that there isn't too much fighting.  I don't have any fight left in me.
I cannot work all day, be supportive for him because his life is being turned upside down, cook, clean and take care of everyone in the household except myself. 

I am constantly told how worthless I am and that I am selfish for leaving him.
Then I am told how wonderful I am and that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage.
These options change on a daily basis.
If he can't make up his mind about what he wants, how can he expect me to stay?

My mind is made up.
I am overwhelmed but I will get through this somehow.