A dagger in the heart

A few hours ago I just posted a blog about how I need to let things go.......and here I sit......holding tightly onto strings trying to pull and push you into doing what I want.
Does this make me a bad person?
Does this make me manipulative?
I sincerely hope not.
I feel desperate.
I feel like I cannot get you to really see me.......you used to see me a long time ago......but not anymore.  Now I am merely a maid, a cook and secretary.
Even after intimate moments, I feel you slip away again and am constantly aware of the wedge between us which seems to be growing by the day.

You have asked me to follow up on an insurance claim and now when I finally have the info required I call you to give you the update. Thinking you will be happy that after 10months of chasing, it is now resolved. 
You cannot end the call fast enough so that you can spend time "online" with her.
As soon as the call is ended I see your status change to "online" on whatsapp.....because she waits for your attention.
I see you both online during your tea breaks and lunch times.
In the mornings after we wake up.
In the evenings at home.

The past 2 nights you have woken up at 3am to go online on Whatsapp.  You sneak out of the bedroom thinking you haven't woken me up, but you did.
When I question you, you tell me that your shoulder is sore.  Then you get back into bed and lie on the same sore shoulder?

How do I get past this?
I am now questioning whether I am doing the right thing by holding on and trying to repair a marriage that was pretty dismal before she came into our lives.
Every time you choose to be with her, you choose to take one step further away from me.

You lied to me last night and said that you were not in contact with her.
I saw her message to you the night before.
You delete the messages and think that I will never know.
I asked you last night if you were committed to repairing our marriage, your answer was yes.
I asked you last night if you had any secrets, you said no.....you lied.

God help me......

Another month, another chapter

And so the days go by, I keep trying to be positive and open to mending this marriage of ours.
Some days are harder than others.
I am not perfect, I have personality flaws like everyone else – I am impatient, jealous and insecure.
I can admit when I am wrong, although it is never nice to admit when you are wrong.

Yesterday I decided to do some research and looked for some counselling tips and advice on how to mend a marriage through communication.
So last night we sat and talked about REAL STUFF.
To be vulnerable with someone you love is a very beautiful thing.
I spoke about my insecurities.
I spoke about her.
I did not speak about my gut feeling or how I just “know” that she wants more than you are offering.
I know you have guilt, I know you are offering friendship to make up for years lost.
I have to trust you and trust that you are going to keep our marriage sacred.
I honestly don’t trust her.  There I said it!
I cannot tell you this because it will sway your thoughts.
I need to allow you to figure this one out on your own – gosh that is hard!
I know you are in daily contact with her.
I do not know what you discuss (and of course this is extremely hard for me) as you delete messages and lie about being in contact.
You know that I am insecure of the blossoming friendship that is building and growing – I told you that last night, but you still lied to me and said that there is no reason for you to be in constant contact (exactly!) as your daughter is old enough to make contact and grow a relationship with you.

Why does she rely on you so much?

Does she not have friends in her life that she can talk to and rely on?
What about her family?
As far as I am aware they are there supporting her and your child every day.
I asked if she was involved with anyone.
You didn’t answer.
You said that she knows you are married – but my insecurity is that she will not respect our marriage.
Does she really think that God will send her someone else’s husband?
I am so tempted to tell her to back off but I know that it will just drive another wedge between us because I will be the “jealous and insecure wife”

Can you see her for what she really is?
Can you see past her beauty and her slim figure?
Can you see your wife that is desperately holding on?
I love you
I wouldn’t be here, clinging to the hope of a “happy ever after” if I didn’t.
Will you tell her to stop and to back off on your own?
As I sit here and think about the damage, that a person like this, can do to a family, I have to choke back the tears.

I am sure that she has endured a lot of pain and sadness in her life and for this I am truly sorry.
BUT I also know now, at the age of 40, that it is not someone else’s responsibility to rescue you. 
Everyone has problems in life, some worse than others, but we all have our own demons to face.

How am I going to gain the strength to let go if this is what you choose – I cannot control this one?

I will continue to pray for us to be protected in God's love and light.
I do not want any negativity in our lives, we need to be covered in positivity.
I need to let go of the anger and ill feelings I have against her.

God, I am counting on you to see us through this chapter…………

Rough times, but I am strong!

Marriage is not easy.
In fact, I find that it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
This has been a tough pill to swallow.
All I could do was let him go.
There’s that old saying about letting someone go free, if they come back, they are yours, if they don’t…..they never were.

Luckily for me, my husband came to his senses after a weekend away.

He apologised for talking about the D word and for hurting me.
He opted for counselling which he was dead set against a few days before.
Amazing what a difference a weekend can make.
So we are now committed to trying to work through this rough time in our marriage.
I know that I am 100% committed because I love him.

I am not 100% sure of his commitment to me and our marriage, in lieu of how frustrating and stressful it would have been to actually go through a divorce, but I am trying to remain positive and trusting that he is staying for the right reasons.

So if you are reading this right now, please pray for our marriage.