Another month, another chapter

And so the days go by, I keep trying to be positive and open to mending this marriage of ours.
Some days are harder than others.
I am not perfect, I have personality flaws like everyone else – I am impatient, jealous and insecure.
I can admit when I am wrong, although it is never nice to admit when you are wrong.

Yesterday I decided to do some research and looked for some counselling tips and advice on how to mend a marriage through communication.
So last night we sat and talked about REAL STUFF.
To be vulnerable with someone you love is a very beautiful thing.
I spoke about my insecurities.
I spoke about her.
I did not speak about my gut feeling or how I just “know” that she wants more than you are offering.
I know you have guilt, I know you are offering friendship to make up for years lost.
I have to trust you and trust that you are going to keep our marriage sacred.
I honestly don’t trust her.  There I said it!
I cannot tell you this because it will sway your thoughts.
I need to allow you to figure this one out on your own – gosh that is hard!
I know you are in daily contact with her.
I do not know what you discuss (and of course this is extremely hard for me) as you delete messages and lie about being in contact.
You know that I am insecure of the blossoming friendship that is building and growing – I told you that last night, but you still lied to me and said that there is no reason for you to be in constant contact (exactly!) as your daughter is old enough to make contact and grow a relationship with you.

Why does she rely on you so much?

Does she not have friends in her life that she can talk to and rely on?
What about her family?
As far as I am aware they are there supporting her and your child every day.
I asked if she was involved with anyone.
You didn’t answer.
You said that she knows you are married – but my insecurity is that she will not respect our marriage.
Does she really think that God will send her someone else’s husband?
I am so tempted to tell her to back off but I know that it will just drive another wedge between us because I will be the “jealous and insecure wife”

Can you see her for what she really is?
Can you see past her beauty and her slim figure?
Can you see your wife that is desperately holding on?
I love you
I wouldn’t be here, clinging to the hope of a “happy ever after” if I didn’t.
Will you tell her to stop and to back off on your own?
As I sit here and think about the damage, that a person like this, can do to a family, I have to choke back the tears.

I am sure that she has endured a lot of pain and sadness in her life and for this I am truly sorry.
BUT I also know now, at the age of 40, that it is not someone else’s responsibility to rescue you. 
Everyone has problems in life, some worse than others, but we all have our own demons to face.

How am I going to gain the strength to let go if this is what you choose – I cannot control this one?

I will continue to pray for us to be protected in God's love and light.
I do not want any negativity in our lives, we need to be covered in positivity.
I need to let go of the anger and ill feelings I have against her.

God, I am counting on you to see us through this chapter…………