Overwhelmed

The last few days have been quite emotional for me.
I fight back the tears and try to shut off my emotions – I know that this is not good for me, but it is the only way I can cope right now.
I don’t want to answer a million questions just yet.
Today I am really hurting.
It is a tough pill to swallow - did he ever really love me?
I feel like a failure right now
I know it’s not good to think this way, but I can’t help myself from falling into this headspace.
He was supposed to be my forever.
We had such big plans when we said our vows.
How things change over the years.
How hard I tried.
How much I sacrificed, forgave and forgot.
I don’t know how I am supposed to break the news to my parents, friends and my colleagues.
It will be such a shock to most of them.
I don’t want to answer the questions.
How do I politely say that it’s none of your business?
I don’t feel like discussing the betrayals, the heartache, the pain……will they understand and respect that?
I dread the awkward conversations.
The whispers across the office.
The pitiful stares.

So much needs to be done, the weight of it all on my shoulders.
I cannot depend on him to get any of the divorce paperwork done.
I cannot depend on him to organise and finalise the sale of our property.
The packing and the sorting of shared items.
I have to find a place to live where I can take my dogs with me.

I have to be supportive and compassionate while he deals with the destruction of his life around him.
I have done it so many times before.
Does he even realise how this is killing me inside?
I feel like a monster for standing up for myself.
Does he honestly think that I was happy to be his doormat?
Does he know how my soul was crushed and stifled, day by day?
Does he know how much courage it has taken to take my life back?
Does anyone?
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?
There was a 6 year gap between him and the previous love of my life.
6 very lonely years.
How I remember crying out to God and asking him to send me a life partner.

I am not perfect, I am flawed like everyone else.
BUT I know that I definitely gave it my all, and I tried and failed, and tried a few more times over the past 12 years.
I am a strong person, I know that I will be fine at the end of this, but today, I am just overwhelmed.

I have moved all my personal belongings into the spare room and have made some decisions about the home.  Splitting up the furniture and appliances. 
Dealing with his tantrums on a daily basis because he doesn't want me to leave, but he wants to have a relationship with her at the same time (yes, that seems fair doesn't it).
He won't move out so I am stuck in the house with him.
I try to be polite and friendly so that there isn't too much fighting.  I don't have any fight left in me.
I cannot work all day, be supportive for him because his life is being turned upside down, cook, clean and take care of everyone in the household except myself. 

I am constantly told how worthless I am and that I am selfish for leaving him.
Then I am told how wonderful I am and that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage.
These options change on a daily basis.
If he can't make up his mind about what he wants, how can he expect me to stay?

My mind is made up.
I am overwhelmed but I will get through this somehow.

Living with a Narc

As my world has come crashing down around me again, I have taken the time to reflect on my spouse and the fact that he is a Narc.
Narcissists are really just people who were broken as children, and never grew up.
They are selfish and literally spoiled brats ,who will throw themselves into rage-filled tantrums if they can’t get their own way.
They hurt with their words and sometimes even their actions.
They do not intend to hurt you, it’s just that they don’t care….they don’t see your pain or have empathy for your feelings in general.
The problem with a Narc is that they cannot learn to change.
If you think that you can change a Narc, you are setting yourself up for failure!
They are emotionally handicapped and you cannot save them!
By coming to the conclusion that I cannot “cure” or  “save” my spouse who is a Narc, I am releasing myself from the “guilt” of walking away.
I know that a lot of people will preach about how you should stay and work through the problems in your marriage.  Giving up is not an option.
Well let me tell you, I have been working on the same vicious-circle for the past 9 years, when I first started to see the cracks beneath the surface.
If I am brutally honest I actually first saw the cracks about 11 years ago but, blinded by what I thought was love, I chose to  stay and fix things.
So every day I have to remind myself that I deserve better and that I should not feel guilty about leaving.
By understanding the reasons why my Narc spouse does the hurtful things he does, it allows me to forgive him, little by little each new day.
You cannot blame a wild animal for attacking you if that is their nature, in the same way you cannot fault a deaf person for not being able to hear your voice. 
A Narc is no different.
Some really are evil monsters, some are just as clueless about their ruthlessness as you were when you first fell in love with them.
They do not think to themselves, hhmmm let’s see how we can hurt this person.
In fact they do not think of you at all.
They only think about themselves. About what they want, what they need.
They have a sense of entitlement and normally only see you as a wife/mother/housekeeper/lover – you fall into the specific category which is required at the time.
If you don’t fall perfectly into those categories, then you are normally discarded.
The life with a Narc can be absolute hell, simply because as emotional beings, we constantly feel the need to fix and save people.

Honestly, we have had moments in our marriage where it was almost perfect, but it never lasts.
At some point, the Narc will hurt you mentally, and sometimes physically.
We go back and forth between they love me, they hate me, they’re terrible people, they are wonderful…..until we feel like we have lost our minds.
We become emotionally unstable because we are so mentally exhausted.
We eventually become numb.
It is at this stage where you have two choices, you can hold onto the marriage and accept the fact that they will never change.
Or
you can make the hardest choice of your life and you can leave.
By leaving you are not a failure!
You are putting yourself first which takes a GIANT dose of courage…..especially if you have always been told that you are worthless.

A friend mentioned to me recently, “if you had to write a list of the people who you love, how far down the list would your name appear?”
I was stunned!
I would honestly never even consider putting my name on that list!
There is something severely wrong with that statement.
I am learning that I cannot expect people to treat me with dignity, respect and loyalty if I don’t treat myself in the same manner.
We teach the world how we wish to be perceived.

This has been an earth shattering, awakening for me.
If you are reading this right now, I hope that you take a few moments to really let these words sink in.
You matter!
You are beautiful!
You are loved!
You are cherished!
Be kind to your soul.
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