Feeling left out....again

So my husband has made arrangements to go and meet his daughter and her extended family and friends.  This will be the first time in 29 years that he will see her face to face.
I am so happy for them both as they were separated for all these years through no fault of their own.
I am glad that they now have a sense of belonging in each other’s lives.

I am sad that I am not able to be present for this reunion.
I wanted to go with so badly. Desperately wanting to be a part of this new “family”
I always wanted a large and loving family of my own – a place where I felt accepted and loved, a place where I belonged.

My husband – overwhelmed with his own feelings of guilt and excitement I am sure – completely forgot to invite me along.

He failed to think that it was important for me to be there and witness this reunion.

When we first spoke about meeting his daughter a few weeks ago, I asked if I was going with him to meet her, and he replied “of course”
Now less than a month later, he has booked a flight for himself and made arrangements without even consulting me.
When I tried to speak to him – through a voice hoarse from crying – and explain that I felt pushed aside and completely left out.
He just looked at me with a pained expression.
He tried to make light of the conversation which just fuelled my anger.
He told me that he didn’t want me there, that it “wasn’t the right time”
Those words crushed my inner soul…………he didn’t want me there…….

I had nothing more to say.
How could I say anything else?
Was I being selfish?
Was I being dramatic?
Am I allowed to feel gutted that I will not be part of this experience and this special moment in his life, after 10 years of marriage, after being a step-mother to his 19yr old son for 12 years?
I feel completely left out and unwanted…..again.

In the last 12 years I have played a game of sacrifice and always felt like I was trying to catch-up.

I was never there to see my step-son’s first steps, or his first word, or allow him to fall asleep in my arms.
I have been mindful to know my place and not to step on anyone’s toes.
When I have been too eager and gotten ahead of myself I have always been reminded of my position in the family.
A parent, but not “the” parent.
A person who is there to encourage, love and support but not to be confused with the parent who receives the same in return.
A person who must sacrifice so that her husband and his son have special moments together – just the two of them – every weekend. 
I encouraged them to go out and do things together so that they could make up for the missing “time” and I would stay behind.

Yes, I realise that these are my feelings of inadequacies and I am completely responsible for the voices in my head and for the way I am feeling……I just wish that my husband would take notice of how much this is killing me. I am not a person who seeks out praise or any kind of validation, but in the last month I really feel like I need someone to be on my side.

Someone who is in my corner, making sacrifices and putting my needs first…..or at the very least meeting me halfway.
I just want to feel appreciated and a part of a family.
I want my husband to be proud of the wife and partner that I am.
I want him to respect me.
I want him to cherish and appreciate me.
Isn’t it funny that those we are the most vulnerable with, are the ones that hurt us the most?  

My own personal torture chamber

Sometimes I wonder why I hang onto so much.

So much negativity.
So much sadness.
So much pain.
Why do I do this to myself?
I can hear the words/voices over and over again in my mind……like my own personal torture chamber.
I have mastered the crying without making a sound thing......that way, no-one notices.

 “Did you still love each other when that photo was taken” – said my mother, when looking at a photo of my ex-boyfriend and I.  Didn’t she realise how much that stung?  Didn’t she remember how my life fell apart when he ended our relationship? Did she not realise that I was still recovering from a broken heart?  Why would my own mother be so cruel?

“When was that photo taken, you look so thin there?” – said my mother, when looking at a photo that was taken the day before.  My hair was down instead of being pulled back into a pony tail.  Perhaps she meant to say that it was a lovely photo of me.

“Yes I remember them, they are your only 2 friends aren’t they?” – said my mother, when I mentioned I had seen 2 of my friends recently.  I had to remind her that I actually had a lot of friends.
“Oh, well your dad and I don’t have any friends” – Does she ever stop to wonder why?

“Your dress looks dirty”
“Why did you do your hair like that?”
Did my spouse not realise that a bride wants to be complimented by her husband on her wedding day?

“Did your parents phone to wish us for our anniversary?” 

“No” I replied to my spouse for the third year in a row.
Why didn’t they remember?
Why is everyone else more important than me?

 “Did your parents phone to wish you for your 40^th birthday today?”
“No” I replied to my spouse, as my heart sank deeper into my chest.

Did my spouse not realise how much that hurt me?

I didn’t expect a gift or a card or even a phone call…..just a text message or a post on Facebook would have been sufficient.
Didn’t my spouse see the hurt in my eyes?
Does anyone?