A few hours ago I just posted a blog about how I need to let things go.......and here I sit......holding tightly onto strings trying to pull and push you into doing what I want.
Does this make me a bad person?
Does this make me manipulative?
I sincerely hope not.
I feel desperate.
I feel like I cannot get you to really see me.......you used to see me a long time ago......but not anymore. Now I am merely a maid, a cook and secretary.
Even after intimate moments, I feel you slip away again and am constantly aware of the wedge between us which seems to be growing by the day.
You have asked me to follow up on an insurance claim and now when I finally have the info required I call you to give you the update. Thinking you will be happy that after 10months of chasing, it is now resolved.
You cannot end the call fast enough so that you can spend time "online" with her.
As soon as the call is ended I see your status change to "online" on whatsapp.....because she waits for your attention.
I see you both online during your tea breaks and lunch times.
In the mornings after we wake up.
In the evenings at home.
The past 2 nights you have woken up at 3am to go online on Whatsapp. You sneak out of the bedroom thinking you haven't woken me up, but you did.
When I question you, you tell me that your shoulder is sore. Then you get back into bed and lie on the same sore shoulder?
How do I get past this?
I am now questioning whether I am doing the right thing by holding on and trying to repair a marriage that was pretty dismal before she came into our lives.
Every time you choose to be with her, you choose to take one step further away from me.
You lied to me last night and said that you were not in contact with her.
I saw her message to you the night before.
You delete the messages and think that I will never know.
I asked you last night if you were committed to repairing our marriage, your answer was yes.
I asked you last night if you had any secrets, you said no.....you lied.
God help me......
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