Wednesday 7 November 2018

My "stepdaughter" hates me

To my "step-daughter", this one is for you....

So its been about 8 months since I last saw and spoke to you. 
It wasn't long after that, when you cut me out of your life completely.
You made me out to be the villain, the evil-stepmonster.
You lied so many times.
You hurt me many more times.
I came accross your blog today, and it made me realise that you really do hate me.

I see you nick-named me "Stacey" and lied about what went down when your boyfriend was "kicked out".
I never once told you that he must move out.
Why would you lie about that?
Were you too scared to tell him (and everyone else) that you made the decision to "kick" him out?
I remember the evening very clearly, he was still working at Jockey and it was around 6.30pm and your dad was about to go pick him up from work.  I saw you come out of your room with a bag and I asked you what was up.  You told me that you decided that he must move out for a month because "he needed to get his shit together". 
I remember being very supportive and telling you that if you felt that was the right thing to do then good for you.  Because then you would know where you stand.

Your dad told me later that night that it was hard to hear you tell your boyfriend 3 times that you loved him without him reciprocating.
We both agreed that it was probably the right decision for you to have made and hopefully you would either meet someone amazing or that it would force your boyfriend into growing up and being responsible.

We were worried about you and knew that you were hurting (break-ups and heartache are the worst).
The next morning before getting ready for work I remember asking you in the kitchen if you were okay and I gave you a hug and we both shed some tears.  No-one else was around to witness this, just you and me, and yet you still lied and made out that I was this evil person.
I sent you a WhatsApp message the same day telling you that I loved you and that I was there if you needed to talk.
Again I ask, if I was this evil step-monster why would I even bother if I didn't care?

A month or so later, you were still seeing each other but your attitude was terrible.
You were disrespectful to your dad and I constantly.
You disregarded our rules at home.
Your drug addiction was getting out of hand and we literally begged you to stop smoking weed.
You asked if your boyfriend could spend the night and we said that we would prefer it if he didn't.
This was after the debacle with your rat cage being sold by his grandfather and you punching the wall out of rage.  Don't you remember crying on my shoulder about it?  I got your dad to check your swollen hand out and see if you broke anything.
We said "no" because we didn't think he was treating you the way you should be treated.
You see, we saw your potential and had already set high standards for you, but you had yet to understand that.

On your blog you mention that I "treated you like poop" and that your dad didn't notice how badly I treated you. 
I admit that I was hard on you (isn't that what parents/guardians are supposed to do?).
I wanted you to have high standards and good values/morals.
I was pushing you to getting your matric, getting your drivers licence, setting standards and boundaries for all your relationships and friendships.
Encouraging you when you doubted your self-worth and insecurities.
I will never forget that comment you made about the students trying to get their matric, that they were 'degenerates'.  I remember grousing at you about that comment and telling you not to judge them because you didn't know their back stories, and that you yourself were trying to get your matric.  Then you referred to yourself as a 'degenerate' as well and I got angry with you.

I had endless discussions with you about trying to find friends and finding new interestes and hobbies that would enhance your life.
We tried to talk to you about religion and politics.
I congratulated and encouraged you on your weightloss and fitness routine.
I encouraged you to write that letter to your mom so that you could try to heal from all the hurt.  It was a start.  It was part of your journey.  When your dad, you and I stood around that fire, watching that letter burn, we all shed tears and we were excited for you, as you finally seemed to have some confidence in yourself.  I had nothing but love for you at that moment.
Perhaps you didn't understand why I was being hard on you.
Perhaps you thought that a good parent/guardian is your "friend" and they let you do whatever you want, no rules, no boundaries, who knows?
What you need to know is that when someone you care about is being irresponsible, and you're an adult in the home, its your responsibility to call them on their bullshit so that they can learn and grow.
If you think that this means that I "hated" you, surely you are mistaken.
It is in fact the opposite.
It proves just how much I care about you.
Even when you ignored me when I greeted you, and all the other times when you disrespected me, I never once lashed out at you.  It took a lot of patience to not scream and shout at you during those times.  It tested my ability to control myself.  And by no means am I perfect, I am human and I also have issues from my past that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I used to say to you often that if you needed to discuss something with me, then do it.  You could have spoken to your dad if you ever thought that I was being unfair or bitchy.  After living in our home for almost a year, you would have realised that I am nothing like your mother.  I would never have laid a finger on you.  I would never have kicked you out because you 'pissed me off'.

When you were asked to move out, a lot had happened and things were not going well at home (financially) as you are well aware.  The message came from my phone but it was your dad and I that decided together and we typed it together

I asked you on 12 February if I could raise your rent to R3,000 per month (incl food, water and electricity) because we were battling to get through each month and the meagre R1500 was not covering the groceries you consumed, never mind the 30 minute showers you were having on a daily basis.
You never even bothered to respond to me or even discuss it with me.
You were filled with hate for me even then.....but now I think you understand how expensive everything is and how hard it is to budget and make it through the month in this country.
At the end of February you paid your R3,000 rent and still hadn't said a word about it to me.When you failed to pay your rent at the end of March 2018, you were told to move out immediately, because I couldn't afford to go through another month of feeding a person in the household who was not contributing in any way, shape or form.
You had already planned to move out that weekend anwyay, because you had already paid rent up front for where you would be staying for the month of April.  I still have the text messages so you can't deny that.  So why make a BIG scene about being "kicked out"  a week after you turned 21 if you had planned to move out anyway?
You and I know the truth and it isn't fair to say that I treated you badly, when you never admit and acknowledge the rules you disregarded in our home.  The same reasons why you were called out for unacceptable behaviour.
You were looking for your own place for months, you just didn't realise that we knew.
It's not fair to criticize the fact that we asked you to move out, when you never acknowledge the reasons why (there were multiple reasons which you are well aware of).

We were sitting with a HUGE water & electricity bill, thanks to the geyser being tampered with.
To this day, we still have no idea why you guys set the temperature onto MAX.
Our electrician set it at 55'C so that we could save some money.  Why change the setting to 75'C?  Did you realise that this would mean that the water & electricity bill would be R11,000 the next month?  When you have 30 minute showers and the geyser is set on a high temperature, the costs go up!  So instead of paying R3,500 every month, we now had to pay more money (which we didn't have, even after working 2 jobs each!).
We noticed the trap door open that day on 13 January when they were at the house and you were stoned out of your gord!
Did you not think that we would know?
What was the purpose of all of this anyway?

The day you moved out, you left your cat and hedgehog behind.  You didn't even leave any food behind for them.  You didnt ask anyone to feed your animals and look after them.  Your cat was severely sick and was dying.  You knew this.  She was supposed to go back to the vet and get more medication.  You didnt even message anyone to find out how she was doing.  We couldn't afford a trip to the vet as you are well aware because we were paying off the water & electricity bill.
When you arranged for your cousin to collect your hedgehog, we sent your cat with him.  She died a few days later from what I understand. 

I sent you a message at the end of April 2018, asking if you would be able to pay your rent that was still outstanding and your response was to block me on WhatsApp and unfriend me on Facebook and Instagram.

In the first week of June 2018, I sent you an email to try one last time to make amends and you never bothered to respond.
It's never easy to go cap in hand and try to make things right with someone, when you know how much they hate you.  I don't know what else to do.  I can't speak to you in person because you will never agree to meet up with me.  I can't phone you or text you because you have blocked my number.  I have e-mailed you as a last resort and even that is just ignored.

I might be 42 years old, but it still hurts when you are rejected.
I think it is very unfortunate because I do miss you.  I miss our laughs and conversations.  It was so much fun to have a girl in the house, especially when we had such similar experiences in life. 
I have read our WhatsApp conversations over the months, and it made me smile fondly.
Whether you will admit it or not, there was a blossoming friendship there that turned into a loving mother/daughter type of relationship......with both of us lacking experience, it is a pity that it didn't last.
Most of all, I hate that this has caused both of us so much pain and bitterness and it has forced your dad to be in the middle.
I hate myself for getting angry with him when he takes your side and has forgotten the hurt you caused me.  I suppose that is normal and will happen when you have a parent/child relationship.  You just love them unconditionally regardless of what they have said or done.
I feel like I have been robbed of this experience, and I acknowledge that I am not blameless.
I really cannot do anything else.
I will just have to accept that we will never be able to work this through.
It's a shitty feeling to have, knowing that someone dispises you.

In conclusion, regardless of how I am feeling......I do hope that you are happy.
I pray that you find what you are looking for.
I hope and pray that you are able to recover your relationship with your mother at some stage.  I know this has caused you so much pain in life (I get it, remember).
I hope that your mother comes to terms with all of her demons so that she can really love you like a mother should.
Remember to work through all your past heartaches so that they don't shadow your future.
Remember to push yourself and constantly raise your standards so that you achieve success every time.
Remember to love with all your heart.
Remember to forgive, for this shows character.
and most of all, remember to take care of yourself xx

No comments:

Post a Comment