Free what??? Tertiary education is not a right, it is a privilege!

So by now everyone knows about the “free education” demands of a few South African adolescents.
I wonder about these children (yes some of them are 20 but they are still children in my eyes).
Let’s face it, it’s not like they are acting like “well-educated” adults….

I cannot believe that adolescents would act with such abandon, without ever considering the consequences.

They are fresh out of high school and surely would been disciplined by their parents and/or teachers for insolent behaviour in the past.
Youngsters are so easily influenced and brain washed – whether they are educated or not.
Who is guiding/advising them with regards to their protest actions?

It is so sad that they have taken things to a new level.

I am disgusted by their recent behaviour.
What do they expect to achieve?
How can you demand free education, when you are burning down the very place where you demand to be educated (for free).
Who/What gives you the right to destroy historical property and documents?
Where is the money going to come from to repair the very buildings you are burning down?  
University fees will now be increased because of your crimes.

Why is our government not doing anything?

Do you not realise the damage these kids are doing?
Irreplaceable documents and first editions lost forever.
Students are losing valuable time with their examinations looming.
What about struggling students who have bursaries based on academic results? 
Some of those same students do not have working class parents that can assist with tuitions.
You are stealing their chances for a bright future – what gives you the right?

The fact that you barricaded a room where two security guards were locked in and set the building alight, makes you nothing but criminals committing murder!

Do you really think that people will soften their hearts to your demands now?
What deluded place are your thoughts in?
If nothing else, I would demand that you are all placed in prison and expelled from these tertiary institutions!

I agree with free education from foundation phase up to high school, but definitely not tertiary education (excluding private institutions of course).

There are so many options that you can choose from.
Many people have not been able to attend universities due to lack of funds.
Thousands of people work and study part time.
Where is the money going to come from if you expect free tertiary education?
Somebody has to pay for it if you don’t want to.
Does that mean that South African’s personal tax will now increase?
How is this fair?

Tertiary education is not a right, it is a privilege!

Cristmas is coming

For the first time in years, I find myself getting excited about Christmas.

My step-daughter is going to spend Christmas and New Years with us.
I wanted to do something special for both of them and I bought her a plane ticket to us (she lives in a different province).

I can't wait to meet her in person.
I hope she likes me.
I look forward to having a wonderful summer holiday as a new family.
I have to start getting organised and have to sort out all the overwhelming details from decorations, to activities, to menu, to gifts.
I have 2 months to get to know her better so that we can find the right gift for her.
I need to make sure that she feels welcome and appreciated.
I need to think of activities that we can do together to grow a friendship, but also group activities that we can do as a family.
I need to make sure that hubby and her have special time alone together.
Gosh these are exciting times and I so look forward to the blossoming relationships.

I am so happy.

I am not even thinking about the chaos at the shopping malls during the “silly season”.
I am going to relish every single frustration and strain!

The end of an era

I feel like a brand new person. 
My heart is still bruised but it’s definitely healing.
Love is a strange thing, it has surprised me so much this year when I think back.
Make no mistake, it has crushed my inner soul in so many ways, but once again, here I stand filled with desire, hope and love.
I cannot believe how just a few weeks ago I thought my marriage had ended and I was in a very dark place.
I finally decided to confront him and let him know, that I know.
He ended it.
A few days ago I was still filled with the dreaded “need to know all the details” virus and just couldn’t stop thinking about how much pain she had caused in my marriage.
How I felt betrayed by my husband.
How they had hurt me.
But now, I am so grateful that I am in a place where I can start letting go.
Writing these blogs is therapeutic, it helps me.
It also helps that my husband has sincerely apologised and has realised just how much he has hurt me.
I think he is surprised that I have fought to stay in our marriage.
He realises how hard it has been…..all the puzzle pieces finally put back together.
The pot has it’s lid back…………long story……..every pot has it’s lid……

I reached out to her on WhatsApp.

I wanted to break the ice and let her know that I have forgiven and I am in the process of moving on.
We have never met or even spoken, but I felt compelled to let her know.
I didn’t expect an apology.  (Not to say that it wouldn’t have been nice to hear it)
I did however expect her to grab the olive branch that was extended considering her role in the whole debacle.
I acknowledged that I am not perfect and neither was my marriage, but I was not giving up!
I told her we don’t have to be friends or even like each other, but we need to get along for the sake of their daughter.
I never received a response.
Her immediate reaction was to block me on Facebook and on WhatsApp.  Guilt? Shame? Hatred? Pain? True colours?
They share a child together, which means all our lives will be intertwined forever.
I am her daughter’s step-mother.
I thought it would be best for all if we could all just learn to move on and be civil with one another.
Clearly she doesn’t feel the same.
Perhaps it’s because I ruined her plans?
I think she had big plans for herself.
I saw she posted something a while back about “finally living the life she had dreamed of” -  did she think there was money?
I feel that she is a very selfish person.
All this time, her daughter should have been forming a relationship with her father.
But she put her own selfish desires ahead of her daughter’s needs.
She pushed a friendship with a vulnerable man over the edge, and created a secret relationship (with his help).
She found a crack on the surface of our marriage due to many things over the years, faults on both parties, and she weaselled her way in.
Deeper and deeper she dug in her claws.
I saw It all happening before it even begun, funnily enough.
I know women like her.
She had no idea that I knew…..for almost 2 months I had to keep my mouth shut, choke back tears, fight the rejection and insecurities. 
Hope that my husband would come back to me and our marriage.
Things got so bad that we were almost divorced.
I couldn’t say anything to my husband because he would just think I was being a jealous wife.

So here I am.

Here we are.
I am trying to let go of needing to know every detail syndrome that fills my head occasionally.
I am determined to get over this and we will be happier for it.
Commitment and love is back in our hearts.

Thank you God for listening to my crys and for comforting me when my whole world was falling apart.

I am eternally grateful to be where we are at the moment.
I look forward to the future and know that if there are more bumps along the way that we will get through them.
I know that in time I will look back and know that this is the best thing that could have happened to our marriage, because it made us that much stronger.

A dagger in the heart

A few hours ago I just posted a blog about how I need to let things go.......and here I sit......holding tightly onto strings trying to pull and push you into doing what I want.
Does this make me a bad person?
Does this make me manipulative?
I sincerely hope not.
I feel desperate.
I feel like I cannot get you to really see me.......you used to see me a long time ago......but not anymore.  Now I am merely a maid, a cook and secretary.
Even after intimate moments, I feel you slip away again and am constantly aware of the wedge between us which seems to be growing by the day.

You have asked me to follow up on an insurance claim and now when I finally have the info required I call you to give you the update. Thinking you will be happy that after 10months of chasing, it is now resolved. 
You cannot end the call fast enough so that you can spend time "online" with her.
As soon as the call is ended I see your status change to "online" on whatsapp.....because she waits for your attention.
I see you both online during your tea breaks and lunch times.
In the mornings after we wake up.
In the evenings at home.

The past 2 nights you have woken up at 3am to go online on Whatsapp.  You sneak out of the bedroom thinking you haven't woken me up, but you did.
When I question you, you tell me that your shoulder is sore.  Then you get back into bed and lie on the same sore shoulder?

How do I get past this?
I am now questioning whether I am doing the right thing by holding on and trying to repair a marriage that was pretty dismal before she came into our lives.
Every time you choose to be with her, you choose to take one step further away from me.

You lied to me last night and said that you were not in contact with her.
I saw her message to you the night before.
You delete the messages and think that I will never know.
I asked you last night if you were committed to repairing our marriage, your answer was yes.
I asked you last night if you had any secrets, you said no.....you lied.

God help me......

Another month, another chapter

And so the days go by, I keep trying to be positive and open to mending this marriage of ours.
Some days are harder than others.
I am not perfect, I have personality flaws like everyone else – I am impatient, jealous and insecure.
I can admit when I am wrong, although it is never nice to admit when you are wrong.

Yesterday I decided to do some research and looked for some counselling tips and advice on how to mend a marriage through communication.
So last night we sat and talked about REAL STUFF.
To be vulnerable with someone you love is a very beautiful thing.
I spoke about my insecurities.
I spoke about her.
I did not speak about my gut feeling or how I just “know” that she wants more than you are offering.
I know you have guilt, I know you are offering friendship to make up for years lost.
I have to trust you and trust that you are going to keep our marriage sacred.
I honestly don’t trust her.  There I said it!
I cannot tell you this because it will sway your thoughts.
I need to allow you to figure this one out on your own – gosh that is hard!
I know you are in daily contact with her.
I do not know what you discuss (and of course this is extremely hard for me) as you delete messages and lie about being in contact.
You know that I am insecure of the blossoming friendship that is building and growing – I told you that last night, but you still lied to me and said that there is no reason for you to be in constant contact (exactly!) as your daughter is old enough to make contact and grow a relationship with you.

Why does she rely on you so much?

Does she not have friends in her life that she can talk to and rely on?
What about her family?
As far as I am aware they are there supporting her and your child every day.
I asked if she was involved with anyone.
You didn’t answer.
You said that she knows you are married – but my insecurity is that she will not respect our marriage.
Does she really think that God will send her someone else’s husband?
I am so tempted to tell her to back off but I know that it will just drive another wedge between us because I will be the “jealous and insecure wife”

Can you see her for what she really is?
Can you see past her beauty and her slim figure?
Can you see your wife that is desperately holding on?
I love you
I wouldn’t be here, clinging to the hope of a “happy ever after” if I didn’t.
Will you tell her to stop and to back off on your own?
As I sit here and think about the damage, that a person like this, can do to a family, I have to choke back the tears.

I am sure that she has endured a lot of pain and sadness in her life and for this I am truly sorry.
BUT I also know now, at the age of 40, that it is not someone else’s responsibility to rescue you. 
Everyone has problems in life, some worse than others, but we all have our own demons to face.

How am I going to gain the strength to let go if this is what you choose – I cannot control this one?

I will continue to pray for us to be protected in God's love and light.
I do not want any negativity in our lives, we need to be covered in positivity.
I need to let go of the anger and ill feelings I have against her.

God, I am counting on you to see us through this chapter…………

Rough times, but I am strong!

Marriage is not easy.
In fact, I find that it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
This has been a tough pill to swallow.
All I could do was let him go.
There’s that old saying about letting someone go free, if they come back, they are yours, if they don’t…..they never were.

Luckily for me, my husband came to his senses after a weekend away.

He apologised for talking about the D word and for hurting me.
He opted for counselling which he was dead set against a few days before.
Amazing what a difference a weekend can make.
So we are now committed to trying to work through this rough time in our marriage.
I know that I am 100% committed because I love him.

I am not 100% sure of his commitment to me and our marriage, in lieu of how frustrating and stressful it would have been to actually go through a divorce, but I am trying to remain positive and trusting that he is staying for the right reasons.

So if you are reading this right now, please pray for our marriage.

D Day is here

So the day has finally arrived.
Today my husband will be reunited with his 29yr old daughter that he hasn't seen since she was a new born.
He is filled with anxiety and excitement.
For me, it's about a million emotions all at once.
I really am trying to be a positive, supportive wife and friend but I am struggling.
I don't know if it is okay for me to feel so betrayed but I do.
If I think about it, it sounds stupid to feel this way but I cannot help the little voices in my head.
His daughter was born 19 years before we married.
But I still feel betrayed.
I wonder if I will ever be able to get over these negative feelings.
At the moment I feel resentful for her coming into our lives - yes, it is very selfish for me to feel this way I know.  Sadly I am my worst critic so hold back on those burning crucifixes okay?

I know that if I was in her shoes I wouldn't care about meeting my step-mother.....I would only want to meet and celebrate with my biological father.
I however expect more loyalty from my husband and life partner.
Why can he not see how I am dying inside as I am cast away into the corner.
He will be celebrating with his daughter, her whole family and friends for the next 4 days and I am left at home alone.
Does he not realise how rejected I feel?
I can understand him wanting alone time with his daughter - in fact I would recommend it.
But why couldn't I be included in the festivities where everyone else will be together?
I am married to him and have been for 10 years now, surely I deserve to be recognised as a package deal with him?
This is what I accepted when I married him - he was a package deal with his son (my step son).

So as he leaves our home, I kiss him goodbye with a smile on my face and tell him everything is going to be okay.  He is nervous. 
I am dying inside.
I say a prayer and ask for calm.

*sigh*
*deep breath*
*fight back the tears*