The waiting game

So here I sit, waiting for good news on the sale of my house.

We received our first offer in a few days ago and we sit with baited breath, waiting to hear if the prospective buyers finances are approved.
I have such a good feeling about these people – from the moment they parked in the driveway and we chatted animatedly about the hot Durban summer to the chit chatting afterwards about their ideas for the property.
I sincerely hope that they are the ones who get to see their child raised in my house.
I am going to miss this beautiful house though.
But I mustn’t dwell on this…..I need to remain focused.
My new home is a teeny tiny house which dwarfs in comparison, but it will be mine!
My own personal happy place.
I cannot wait to move in and start living my new life as a strong, independent woman.
The foreign thought of doing “whatever the hell I like” makes me grin like a Cheshire cat.

Stella got her groove back

It’s been ages since I have blogged, and again, this means that a lot has been going on in the circus that is my life.

Waiting for so many pieces of the puzzle to fall into place…………the waiting game is a killer though.
I am waiting for my house to be sold (oh how I will miss this beautiful home).
I am waiting for my court date to finalise my divorce.
I am waiting for my new life to begin……….although in retrospect it has already begun…..it’s just a little stunted as I am still stuck in the same house with my soon to be ex husband.
Once the house is sold, I will be able to move out into my new home.
I realised a few days ago, whilst reflecting as I often do, that I had lost the JOY in my life.
Sometimes we need to step back, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start being thankful for all the miracles and blessings that fill our lives each day.
Yesterday I woke up with an elated JOY in my heart.
I cannot explain how grateful I am to have this JOY back again.
I almost feel like a healed, whole person again.
I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family members who truly care about me enough to keep me in their prayers and positive thoughts.
Once again I am overwhelmed by their support.
So no more whining from me…………I have so much to be thankful for.
Be blessed and have a fantastic JOYOUS day xx

Cutting through the BS

It’s been a while since I last blogged.
So much has happened in such a short space of time.
I feel broken but also liberated at the same time, it is such an unusual feeling and state of mind that I cannot really describe it to anyone unless you have been in this space yourself.
I went along to court and filed my divorce papers.
I think it was one of the saddest days of my life thus far.

Strange how your life can literally change upside down within a short space of time.
One thing I can say is that I am one strong lady.
This year has been absolute hell for me.
Betrayal from friends who I once loved as sisters, I said good bye to a friendship I didn’t want to end, I was blown away by the news of an unknown child, 2 affairs in less than 10 months.

I realised my worth and took a stand to cut through the BS.
Sometimes I just want to crawl up in a ball and sob my heart out.
I want to cry for the hurt my soul has had to endure and is still healing from.
The life I had wanted so badly over 10 years ago….never thinking that it would end like this.

I am proud of the woman I have become, I fought hard to get where I am today, I have finally learnt that I need to put myself first.
The road ahead is still going to have lots of twists and turns but in a year’s time, I know that I will be able to look back and smile, and be grateful for all that I went through because I will be in a much happier and more stable place.
At the moment I am just taking it day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
I constantly fight the loneliness and despair.
Sometimes when I cry myself to sleep, I just wish I had someone lying with me, holding me while I weep.
I cannot wait to have someone I desire and love in my life again, but this time, I swear to have my eyes completely open so that I see the person in totality.
I need them to see me and to accept me as I am.
Never again will I be the mental and emotional punching bag.

Overwhelmed

The last few days have been quite emotional for me.
I fight back the tears and try to shut off my emotions – I know that this is not good for me, but it is the only way I can cope right now.
I don’t want to answer a million questions just yet.
Today I am really hurting.
It is a tough pill to swallow - did he ever really love me?
I feel like a failure right now
I know it’s not good to think this way, but I can’t help myself from falling into this headspace.
He was supposed to be my forever.
We had such big plans when we said our vows.
How things change over the years.
How hard I tried.
How much I sacrificed, forgave and forgot.
I don’t know how I am supposed to break the news to my parents, friends and my colleagues.
It will be such a shock to most of them.
I don’t want to answer the questions.
How do I politely say that it’s none of your business?
I don’t feel like discussing the betrayals, the heartache, the pain……will they understand and respect that?
I dread the awkward conversations.
The whispers across the office.
The pitiful stares.

So much needs to be done, the weight of it all on my shoulders.
I cannot depend on him to get any of the divorce paperwork done.
I cannot depend on him to organise and finalise the sale of our property.
The packing and the sorting of shared items.
I have to find a place to live where I can take my dogs with me.

I have to be supportive and compassionate while he deals with the destruction of his life around him.
I have done it so many times before.
Does he even realise how this is killing me inside?
I feel like a monster for standing up for myself.
Does he honestly think that I was happy to be his doormat?
Does he know how my soul was crushed and stifled, day by day?
Does he know how much courage it has taken to take my life back?
Does anyone?
Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?
There was a 6 year gap between him and the previous love of my life.
6 very lonely years.
How I remember crying out to God and asking him to send me a life partner.

I am not perfect, I am flawed like everyone else.
BUT I know that I definitely gave it my all, and I tried and failed, and tried a few more times over the past 12 years.
I am a strong person, I know that I will be fine at the end of this, but today, I am just overwhelmed.

I have moved all my personal belongings into the spare room and have made some decisions about the home.  Splitting up the furniture and appliances. 
Dealing with his tantrums on a daily basis because he doesn't want me to leave, but he wants to have a relationship with her at the same time (yes, that seems fair doesn't it).
He won't move out so I am stuck in the house with him.
I try to be polite and friendly so that there isn't too much fighting.  I don't have any fight left in me.
I cannot work all day, be supportive for him because his life is being turned upside down, cook, clean and take care of everyone in the household except myself. 

I am constantly told how worthless I am and that I am selfish for leaving him.
Then I am told how wonderful I am and that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage.
These options change on a daily basis.
If he can't make up his mind about what he wants, how can he expect me to stay?

My mind is made up.
I am overwhelmed but I will get through this somehow.

Living with a Narc

As my world has come crashing down around me again, I have taken the time to reflect on my spouse and the fact that he is a Narc.
Narcissists are really just people who were broken as children, and never grew up.
They are selfish and literally spoiled brats ,who will throw themselves into rage-filled tantrums if they can’t get their own way.
They hurt with their words and sometimes even their actions.
They do not intend to hurt you, it’s just that they don’t care….they don’t see your pain or have empathy for your feelings in general.
The problem with a Narc is that they cannot learn to change.
If you think that you can change a Narc, you are setting yourself up for failure!
They are emotionally handicapped and you cannot save them!
By coming to the conclusion that I cannot “cure” or  “save” my spouse who is a Narc, I am releasing myself from the “guilt” of walking away.
I know that a lot of people will preach about how you should stay and work through the problems in your marriage.  Giving up is not an option.
Well let me tell you, I have been working on the same vicious-circle for the past 9 years, when I first started to see the cracks beneath the surface.
If I am brutally honest I actually first saw the cracks about 11 years ago but, blinded by what I thought was love, I chose to  stay and fix things.
So every day I have to remind myself that I deserve better and that I should not feel guilty about leaving.
By understanding the reasons why my Narc spouse does the hurtful things he does, it allows me to forgive him, little by little each new day.
You cannot blame a wild animal for attacking you if that is their nature, in the same way you cannot fault a deaf person for not being able to hear your voice. 
A Narc is no different.
Some really are evil monsters, some are just as clueless about their ruthlessness as you were when you first fell in love with them.
They do not think to themselves, hhmmm let’s see how we can hurt this person.
In fact they do not think of you at all.
They only think about themselves. About what they want, what they need.
They have a sense of entitlement and normally only see you as a wife/mother/housekeeper/lover – you fall into the specific category which is required at the time.
If you don’t fall perfectly into those categories, then you are normally discarded.
The life with a Narc can be absolute hell, simply because as emotional beings, we constantly feel the need to fix and save people.

Honestly, we have had moments in our marriage where it was almost perfect, but it never lasts.
At some point, the Narc will hurt you mentally, and sometimes physically.
We go back and forth between they love me, they hate me, they’re terrible people, they are wonderful…..until we feel like we have lost our minds.
We become emotionally unstable because we are so mentally exhausted.
We eventually become numb.
It is at this stage where you have two choices, you can hold onto the marriage and accept the fact that they will never change.
Or
you can make the hardest choice of your life and you can leave.
By leaving you are not a failure!
You are putting yourself first which takes a GIANT dose of courage…..especially if you have always been told that you are worthless.

A friend mentioned to me recently, “if you had to write a list of the people who you love, how far down the list would your name appear?”
I was stunned!
I would honestly never even consider putting my name on that list!
There is something severely wrong with that statement.
I am learning that I cannot expect people to treat me with dignity, respect and loyalty if I don’t treat myself in the same manner.
We teach the world how we wish to be perceived.

This has been an earth shattering, awakening for me.
If you are reading this right now, I hope that you take a few moments to really let these words sink in.
You matter!
You are beautiful!
You are loved!
You are cherished!
Be kind to your soul.
x

Free what??? Tertiary education is not a right, it is a privilege!

So by now everyone knows about the “free education” demands of a few South African adolescents.
I wonder about these children (yes some of them are 20 but they are still children in my eyes).
Let’s face it, it’s not like they are acting like “well-educated” adults….

I cannot believe that adolescents would act with such abandon, without ever considering the consequences.

They are fresh out of high school and surely would been disciplined by their parents and/or teachers for insolent behaviour in the past.
Youngsters are so easily influenced and brain washed – whether they are educated or not.
Who is guiding/advising them with regards to their protest actions?

It is so sad that they have taken things to a new level.

I am disgusted by their recent behaviour.
What do they expect to achieve?
How can you demand free education, when you are burning down the very place where you demand to be educated (for free).
Who/What gives you the right to destroy historical property and documents?
Where is the money going to come from to repair the very buildings you are burning down?  
University fees will now be increased because of your crimes.

Why is our government not doing anything?

Do you not realise the damage these kids are doing?
Irreplaceable documents and first editions lost forever.
Students are losing valuable time with their examinations looming.
What about struggling students who have bursaries based on academic results? 
Some of those same students do not have working class parents that can assist with tuitions.
You are stealing their chances for a bright future – what gives you the right?

The fact that you barricaded a room where two security guards were locked in and set the building alight, makes you nothing but criminals committing murder!

Do you really think that people will soften their hearts to your demands now?
What deluded place are your thoughts in?
If nothing else, I would demand that you are all placed in prison and expelled from these tertiary institutions!

I agree with free education from foundation phase up to high school, but definitely not tertiary education (excluding private institutions of course).

There are so many options that you can choose from.
Many people have not been able to attend universities due to lack of funds.
Thousands of people work and study part time.
Where is the money going to come from if you expect free tertiary education?
Somebody has to pay for it if you don’t want to.
Does that mean that South African’s personal tax will now increase?
How is this fair?

Tertiary education is not a right, it is a privilege!

Cristmas is coming

For the first time in years, I find myself getting excited about Christmas.

My step-daughter is going to spend Christmas and New Years with us.
I wanted to do something special for both of them and I bought her a plane ticket to us (she lives in a different province).

I can't wait to meet her in person.
I hope she likes me.
I look forward to having a wonderful summer holiday as a new family.
I have to start getting organised and have to sort out all the overwhelming details from decorations, to activities, to menu, to gifts.
I have 2 months to get to know her better so that we can find the right gift for her.
I need to make sure that she feels welcome and appreciated.
I need to think of activities that we can do together to grow a friendship, but also group activities that we can do as a family.
I need to make sure that hubby and her have special time alone together.
Gosh these are exciting times and I so look forward to the blossoming relationships.

I am so happy.

I am not even thinking about the chaos at the shopping malls during the “silly season”.
I am going to relish every single frustration and strain!